Dear Mrs. Hughes July 25

Dear Mrs. Hughes,

One year ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years and moved across the country from California to New York City. I have experienced a tremendous amount of growth – challenges, moments of true bliss, and everything in between in the time since. I feel like a different man than I was in that relationship – I was self-conscious, paranoid, and deeply unhappy living with his negativity and judgment. Now I feel optimistic, excited for every day, and feel almost ready to explore love again.

He recently texted me a lengthy birthday message, sending love and saying he hopes to be able to see me and hear about New York soon. I do not want to engage, and I honestly maybe never want to see him again. We share a friend group back in San Francisco, so this is unrealistic. How can I protect myself while navigating these choppy waters?

Signed, Happy in the Big Apple

Dear Happy in the Big Apple,

A big Happy Belated Birthday to you! Sounds like you have made a very positive move. I am so excited for you to have this fresh start and to feel optimistic and excited about life again. It takes some guts to leave a relationship that is so controlling it has you doubting your own judgment and self-worth. Good for you for finding yourself again and not letting anyone else define you.

It sounds like this is an open wound you still need to protect your heart from and that you are vulnerable to his influence. You have already set strong boundaries by moving clear across the country. Follow your own lead and trust your gut on if and how you would like to engage with your ex. You are under no obligation to return his text if you do not want to or don’t feel safe doing so.

Since you share a friend group, I imagine your other friends are aware of the situation between you two. You may want to reach out to some of them and let them know you are feeling awkward. Hopefully, your other friends won’t feel like they need to choose sides. It may be interesting to see who you stay close to and who you naturally drift away from. It’s not always who we think!

From what he said in his text, it doesn’t sound like your ex is harboring animosity towards you. Only you know what kind of code words he may be using or if he is trying to pull you back in. Once again, let me emphasize that you are under no obligation to engage with him. If you think he might take any communication as reason to continue or increase contact, trust you know this about him. If, on the other hand, you think he would be receptive to your feelings you might want to reply and clarify your boundaries. You can thank him for his birthday wishes and politely, yet firmly, tell him that you are not in a position to communicate with him at this time and that you hope he can respect that. You can also tell him you may never be in that place. Wish him well and move on with your wonderful new life!

You know yourself so much better now and are so much stronger for what you have been through. I’m sure you will find a new love soon with the qualities you deserve. Don’t accept anything less than someone who lifts you to your highest and loves you for exactly who you are right now.

Yours Most Truly, Mrs. Hughes

About Mrs. Hughes

Mrs. Hughes is the pen name of Raizel Weiss Heizer, a licensed professional counselor, officiant, sacred passage doula and grandmother in Colorado Springs. She also has a background in the performing arts. Send your questions on life, love, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations to dearmrshughes@pikespeakbulletin.org. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.

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