Dear Mrs. Hughes July 30
Dear Mrs. Hughes,
One of my oldest and best friends was diagnosed with schizophrenia about a year ago. We have known each other since we were two and been through so much together: our parents’ divorces, the ups and downs of middle school and high school, my father’s suicide when we were 15, friends marrying and having kids, other friends having trouble with alcohol and drugs (sometimes they’re the same friends), art school, and everything in-between. Her mom was my second mother.
We all noticed when things started to change and she began to pull away. Together with her mom, some of us made a plan and moved her from her apartment hours away from nowhere back to live with her mom. This is when she was hospitalized and diagnosed. Nothing has been the same since. She basically cut off communication with me. I have felt like someone cut off my right arm this whole year. Everything reminds me of her. I still have a lot of her stuff. She doesn’t really communicate with any of our old friend group but will at least answer their texts … sometimes. I have tried texting, calling and even writing.
About half a year ago I found myself missing her so much and worrying so much about her that I called her mom and brother just to reassure myself that she was okay. I received a text from her the other day (six months later) asking why I was talking to her family and that if I wanted to talk to her, I should just text. I jumped at the opportunity and said all that was in my heart about how much I love her and miss her and don’t understand why she has cut me out of her life.
Mrs. Hughes, I am utterly heartbroken. She wrote back saying I had betrayed her by moving her without her permission. That I had forced her to attend my wedding (she was the maid of honor and was smiling and laughing in all the photos). And finally, that she needs to be with other people who understand her and don’t judge her. I have never judged her! All I have ever wanted to do was help in any way I could. Truly, I feel as if I can’t breathe. I don’t know how to get over the loss of this person who has been so important in my life.
Signed,
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
What a truly heartbreaking situation! Schizophrenia is a hard diagnosis to live with both for the person who has it and for their loved ones. I am wrapping you both up in my arms and holding you in my heart. These are tricky waters to navigate. What you must know is that your friend is no longer the same person. Her illness has affected her brain in many ways, interfering with her cognition, her perceptions, how she feels and manages emotions, how she makes decisions, and how she sees and moves in the world. She may be experiencing delusions and or hallucinations. She is probably experiencing paranoia as well. The fact that she wrote back six months later as if you texted her yesterday tells you something about her state of mind. Even her memories can be affected since she can no longer perceive them through the same lens she originally experienced them in; hence her perception of feeling forced to attend your wedding.
Dear Heartbroken, this is indeed a great loss. The sagest advice I can give you is not to take anything she does or says personally. She is adapting the best she can under her new and unnerving circumstances. Let’s say you were all round pegs that fit in round holes. She is now a different shape. She is still learning all about what it means to have this new shape. It makes sense that she no longer feels comfortable in her old world with her old friends who expect her to be a certain way. Yes, this includes you, even though you are full of love towards her and are willing to adapt with her. Try to see it similarly to someone who goes to rehab and gets sober. They cannot go back to their old friends and their old living circumstances because everything is a trigger. They need to start fresh with new sober friends who know them and support them as they are now with no expectations or baggage from a previous life.
Grieve your lost friendship. Give it the love and attention it deserves. Allow yourself to have all the feelings you have when you lose someone so dear to your heart and who has been such an integral part of your life. You must honor her wishes. Don’t engage in arguing her points. That will get you nowhere and only cause her to pull further away. Let her know you will always be there for her and let her go with love. Try not to let the current situation defile the life you had together and all the memories you share. Those are real and will always be true.
Even the best of friendships have their seasons. People change for so many reasons, people move away, life has a way of throwing curveballs into relationships we think are indestructible. You had many beautiful seasons together. Treasure them. You are an artist. Get creative! Channel your grief and make some art. Let her fly with your love and support into the new life she needs to feel wholly herself right now. You are a good friend. You can do this if you allow yourself to see the big picture.
Yours Most Truly,
Mrs. Hughes
Mrs. Hughes is the pen name of Raizel Weiss Heizer, a licensed professional counselor, officiant, sacred passage doula and grandmother in Colorado Springs. She also has a background in the performing arts. Send your questions on life, matters of the heart, money, parenting, difficult neighbors, or any sticky situations to DearMrsHughes@PikesPeakBulletin.org. No topic off limits, though publication is not guaranteed. Use a pseudonym if you wish.
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